Guide to Being a House Guest

     If you're like me you rarely find yourself being invited into people's homes. Which is why it is so important to make a good impression on them, that way word will spread to other home owners that you can be trusted in the place they sleep. Due to this I have made a personnel guide for things to do when in someone's home. 

    When you walk in the door immediately comment on the neighborhood, but make sure to tag on a backhanded compliment. Here are a few to use depending on location.

Country- "I wish someone warned me to bring my shitkickers and some oil for your lamps, but it's great that you just disconnect out here."

Suburbs- "It would drive me crazy living in these cookie cutter houses surrounded by strip malls, but you've really made this place your own."

City- "The cops are fighting a losing battle here, you're so brave living like this just be near so much 'culture'."

    If they give you the nickle and dime tour of the place be sure to point out things that could be improved: paint colors, furniture quality and layout, or even creaky floors. Now, they know you care about their betterment and will respect you more. Remember iron sharpens iron.

    Obviously they'll have a charcuterie board prepared, at the least, and ideally it will be locally themed somehow. If they don't meet this standard it presents a great time to recollect the great things other people have served you. 

    Now that you've settled in feel free to invite other people over. The only thing better than a house guest is a house guest's house guest. Although they are your responsibility then, so try to limit it only to people you've met before. 

    The final and most important thing is to be very vague about when you're leaving. Why should the good times end, especially when it's at someone else's expense. If the host mentions they have plans to attend to then you have two options either invite yourself along or just wait until they're leaving and ask to use the bathroom. Stay in here as long a possible and hopefully they'll leave trusting that you'll be close behind. Congratulations you are now a home owner.