Weekend Horoscope 4/12

Here’s where we stand after the seismic shift from the eclipse on Monday and how it will affect your weekend plans:

Aries: The world is your cloister. You have no clue what is happening and the world is operating just fine without you.

Taurus: Reach out this weekend. Not with your hands. With your heart. 

Gemini: Smoke a pack of cigarettes.

Cancer: YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR CANCER!! Bwanahnanahna 🎸 You can flip the switch whenever you want and when you’re on, you’re ON. 

Leo: Don’t be afraid to say yes!

Virgo: Cold blows the wind on your forgettable Spring. Summer doesn’t look promising either.

Libra: Pretend to care about the Masters on Sunday. Maybe watch the Frozen Four too or at least tweet like you’re watching. You don’t actually have to do anything just be able to act like you have.

Scorpius: Uh oh you’ve just been offered a residency at the Heartbreak Hotel :( Although it's always crowded, you still can find some room. For broken hearted lovers to cry there in their gloom. Be so, they'll be so lonely, baby, they get so lonely. They're so lonely, they could die.

Sagittarius: Word play is your forte this weekend. Try proving that you’re smarter than other people.

Capricornus: You are in mourning over your namesake. Capricorn One (1977) the sci-fi thriller starring OJ Simpson. These are hard times and many will not make it through. However you can be the exception.

Aquarius: When life looks like easy street there is danger at your door.

Pisces: Don’t be afraid to show some skin this weekend. Regardless of age or weight (unless you’re a woman) ring in spring with your scantiest outfit.