Blackstone Death

     They go six feet under, but six feet high in paperwork. More people than ever are dying and business is great, but we can't keep up. It seems straightforward: we get the cold cut, throw them in a box, and put them under dirt. No, no, no!  The hospital skims some for pronouncing them dead, great work doc. They pay someone to drive them over. Arrangements are made to have only the best memorial: flowers, 100% oak box, prayer cards, embalmment, a couple creeps to walk around asking if the PowerPoint is okay, a hole near their people with your name, and a rock with a Tumblr quote. The Basic+ Package.

    Now of course you would hate the alternative because if we didn't own all this you would have to pay someone monopolizing the casket business, and the flower business, the embalming business, and the tombstone making business. Those devils would milk you dry. We've eliminated that. Since we own it all it is offered to you at one fair and reasonable price. After all you do want the best.

    What this does mean though for me and the gals in the office is a mountain of paperwork every time we get a cold one. From expenditures for sourcing the wood to paying that freak who does their makeup, somebody has to pay the Piper. You want to cut corners: dig a hole out back, but don't let the pesky EPA know and make sure it's deep enough so critters don't get to 'em neither. 

    If it were me, and some day it might well be, just throw me in the furnace at the vet's office. I don't care what I get mixed in with, I know where I'm going. Anyway we have a bit of fun doing the paperwork. Amanda, who is just so funny, got a Price Is Right wheel to decide where we would send the bodies, except for those freaky Catholics who do the open casket junk. Don't ask what happens to those "organ donors". Thanks for being noble..... and have fun at the Wuhan wet market. AKA our Pacific Division.

    At the end of the day we like to give a fun human touch to the business here at Blackstone Death. Enough bodies get where they're supposed to go, at least enough we can legally live with. The souls do anyway!